September 2012 - Smarty Girl Leadership

Spotting Abusive Relationship Signs: Making Holidays Healthier

September 28, 2012 by smartygirl Leave a Comment

As a SmartyGirlLeader, you are an opinion leader.

Photo Credit: Pinterest Cranberry Pie from Everybody Likes Sandwiches

Have you ever wondered why the holidays bring out the craziness in most everyone? Sometimes, it’s because of un-examined relationships. Are turkey day festivities tense when Aunt So and So brings up her ex-husband What’s His Face? Some table conversations are awkward. Others are warning signs.

You are wise enough to keep your nose out of other people’s business.

However, are you prepared if a relative such as a niece or grandchild asks you for help?

Sometimes the holidays can reveal abusive relationship signs. There’s a reason why your loved one brings his/her sweetheart over for dinner.

It’s to ask what the family thinks of the partner. Three-hour long holiday events are good metrics to see how he/she interacts in groups. What are his/her beliefs in courtesy, manners, and values? Why? The setting is a wonderful pressure cooker. Imagine a catalyst. Holiday challenges bring out the true personalities of people just as a catalyst speeds up chemical reactions. Find out more about holiday stress related domestic violence in this article.

Fighting over the last Turkey Cranberry Monte Cristo may be playful but other verbal sparring may not be so friendly.

What are the jokes the guest tells? Are they off-color and coarse? Does the guest wait to be served or does he/she offer to help the hostess? How does he/she treat your older relatives? Does he/she listen as much as he/she talks?

Photo Credit: Pinterest Turkey Sandwich by Meet the Dubiens

SmartyGirls are aunts, sisters, moms and grandmothers. You don’t jump to conclusions but your innate sense of sisterhood and caring will give you cues. If you sense that a relative is being abused, listen to him/her during the holidays. Since October is Domestic Abuse Awareness Month, here are 3 Tips.

Tip #1: If you or your loved one would like a definition of what the law considers domestic violence, you can find a paragraph here.

Tip #2: Do you see/hear your loved one frequently belittled by his/her partner? You may want to refer him/her to this site.

Tip #3: Don’t whisper or create rumors. Not that a SmartyGirl would but be careful not to provoke conflicts where they do not exist. However, you may choose to intervene if the non-family guest during the holidays consistently blames or isolates your relative. You can read more about these signs of abusive men, here. You may choose wisely to be discreet rather than confront the couple in public.

Photo Credit: Pinterest Gingerbread Tart with Cranberry Curd by Not Without the Salt

This exercise may also be good for self-reflection. Have you ever made a New Year’s resolution to be kinder? Take a look at how you communicate with those who rub you the wrong way. This may be over something more than taking the last piece of Chocolate Cranberry Tart.

Are you still able to respond in a kind way without grinding your teeth at night? When the pressure of the holidays gets to you, lean on SmartyGirlLeadership for tips and tricks on being a leader to encourage the heart.

Number the Stars and Screwtape Letters: 2 Recommended Stories for Fall

September 23, 2012 by smartygirl Leave a Comment

Did you feel this way SmartyGirls? When I was a junior high student, I’d dread the fall. Why? Because this meant less time than the summer for free reading.

Sure, I’d be assigned textbooks but this meant less time to read outside of a subject area. The pleasure of reading for me has been to look through someone else’s eyes. A healthy reading diet of fiction and non-fiction gives a person wider general knowledge and the habit of imagination helps cultivate compassion.

Photo Credit: Renee Marchol San Francisco’s City Lights Bookstore in North Beach

I had the honor of working for The Commonwealth Club of San Francisco, as an Editorial Intern before I entered business school. One of the speeches I helped transcribed was a persuasive speech by Dana Goia from the National Endowment of the Arts. On June 2006, he spoke about The Importance of Reading.

If you are a SmartyGirl, I’m preaching to the choir. You already love reading.

Photo Credit: Renee Marchol Historic San Francisco City Lights Bookstore of Beat Poetry Fame

Photo Credit: Renee Marchol Framed Newspaper Headline in City Lights Bookstore

Last we week, I heard a speaker at another non-profit exhort his audience to acquire wisdom. He gave practical takeaways such as encouraging the audience to interview subject matter experts, listen to people tell their stories and make a concerted effort to get outside of one’s comfort zone.

For instance, I read biographies about people as unlike me as possible. Last year I read about the first wife of actor/dancer Gene Kelly. I have no reason to understand the life of a starlet but I wanted to know how she saw the world.

In another example, I read an autobiography of an Ivy League graduate who wrote about his experiences becoming a Thai boxer. One of his new habits included rolling a wine bottle on his leg to deaden the nerves so that he would become more insensitive to pain. There are some things I do not want to experience first hand but I am curious to know vicariously.

This fall, what will you choose to read now that you are no longer in school? I enjoyed Number the Stars by Lois Lowry, an award-winning book for children and the first four letters by Uncle Screwtape to his demon nephew Wormwood.

Photo Credit: Amazon.com Lois Lowry’s Number the Stars

1. Number the Stars by Lois Lowry
A girl’s father says that the King of Denmark can ride freely, without an entourage, because all of Denmark is his bodyguard. When the family’s Jewish friends are tormented by the Nazis, the girl wonders who will be bodyguards for her neighbors. Every citizen, young and old, male and female say they’d be willing to give up his/her life to protect the beloved king. Who might be willing to die to protect a fellow citizen?

This historical fiction helps the reader imagine the holocaust in a scale that is easy to understand and fathomable. An older sister and her fiancee operate as part of the Denmark Resistence against the Nazis and risk their lives to act as bodyguards for Jewish friends.

I selected this book because I miss my Jewish neighbors. Since I’ve moved to the San Francisco area, there are fewer encounters with Jewish culture. It sparked my memory when a new SF coworker mentioned Rosh Hashanah last week.

Photo Credit: Amazon.com Clive Staples Lewis The Screwtape Letters

2. Screwtape Letters by Clive Staples Lewis

You don’t know how these letters were compiled but you are reading the secret instructions of a mentor to his protegee. It’s a demon uncle writing to his hard-working demon nephew. Who is The Enemy? Who is the patient? Why might it be bad if the patient were to care for his mother’s rheumatism rather than spend all his time in self-absorbed prayer? This may interest Golden Compass Pullman Fans and Tolkien fans alike.

If you are ambivalent about Hans Christian Andersen’s tale of a mermaid seeking a human soul, you might prefer Oscar Wilde’s The Fisherman and His Soul. Likewise, you may enjoy this comical and profound collection of letters just in time for Halloween. This is a fun read for fans of the movie satire, Saved.

5 Ways to Be a Better Woman Friend this Fall: October Domestic Violence Awareness Month

September 17, 2012 by smartygirl Leave a Comment

Lindsey Palmer wrote the Redbook article, “10 Ways to Keep a Woman Safe from Domestic Violence“. SmartyGirl Readers look out for each other so I’ve re-posted two of my favorite, easy to do, tips from Palmer. Maybe this month you will have the opportunity to help a fellow SmartyGirl.

SmartyGirls know to be wise and not offer to “fix” another person’s problems. Disclaimer: SmartyGirlHome does not claim to be a legal resource or a counseling site. Please seek legal advice and medical attention from professionals.

Before offering help, define your boundaries. Are you able to provide a home cooked meal, transportation or temporary housing? Before committing, discuss with your spouse what he will be comfortable doing for your friend.

Photo Credit: Amazon.com Lundberg’s I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better

Photo Credit: Renee Marchol Kimochis Feelings Doll at Jeffery’s Toys of San Francisco

Also if you have children, you may decide not to be involved directly in helping your girlfriend.

Why? Because you cannot be certain your children can take the upheaval of such an outside conflict or their ability to be discreet (i.e. not disclosing that someone is staying at your home because she is fleeing abuse).

Consider your children’s feelings and fears.

1. Shop for a cause through Macy’s. Disclaimer: I interviewed a girlfriend who works for Macy’s. Last month when my husband and I went to Stonestown Galleria in Daly City/San Francisco Macy’s to pick up some men’s sweaters, I noticed this promotion.

2. Recycle communication devices. http://www.recyclefordomesticviolence.com/ is a non profit that collects and distributes tablets, cell phones and other electronic devices that can help a woman fleeing from domestic violence to stay in contact with her trusted SmartyGirl friends and look up local housing and counseling services.

Photo Credit: SmartyGirlLeadership (SGL) Black Nokia Lumia 822 Windows Phone Donate Your Old Smartphone to a Domestic Violence Survivor Women’s Shelter

3. Thought-starters. A SmartyGirl reader may find herself in a dangerous situation. I’ve listed some local and national resources.

Who will listen? Who can direct you to resources available to you?
24 hour Crisis Hotlines

Where might you find emergency, temporary housing?

Shelters. Keep in mind that many shelters have a 3-step process: 45 minute phone screen, evaluation by an intake counselor and in person meeting before you can be eligible for a bed for the night.

This means that shelters may not be the first place to go for emergency housing since you may be put on a waiting list for several weeks. For example, if you are single and without children you will be considered lower priority than a woman fleeing with a child.

Most shelters have a curfew of 8 P.M. and a mandatory counseling class for employment or abuse survivors.

Ask about responsibilities, conditions and expectations before selecting a shelter for your housing. Find out if you must provide your own toiletries including bath towels and toilet paper. Inquire if you are allowed to store you belongings at the shelter and provide a combination lock while you are at work. If not, you may have to rent a storage space because storing items in your car may invite a break in.

Photo Credit: Renee Marchol Brown Rice and Beans

How will you pay your food bills? What are longer term, housing options?

Food stamps and Section 8 (low income housing). If you were living with your boyfriend you may be evaluated by intake counselors more quickly in constrast to if you are still legally married but separated.

For instance if you are supporting yourself and living apart, you may still have a joint checking account that will be calculated and make you ineligible for government aide. However, you may consider private charities and church organizations that assist women.

Find out more about the housing options through these private charities.

Photo Credit: Renee Marchol Asparagus Puff Pastry

What are some of the host’s “house rules”?
Who else will be sharing the common living areas?
Are their toilets, showers, and kitchens for common use?
Will you be expected to prepare meals once per week, report to your host about status of separation, do chores or provide a stipend for utilities?

Stay only where your boundaries are respected. For instance if a religious course is mandatory and this makes you uncomfortable, you may choose not to accept the charity’s help.

How will you receive bills in the mail, paychecks, property from your former home?

Mediation Services

This is a professional paid by the couple as an objective third party to facilitate discussion about dividing expenses during the separation (i.e. childcare costs, current bills, name removal from lease, paying for a PO Box, storage costs, creating an individual bank account).

Some mediation services offer a sliding scale the accomodates for partners who do not make the same wage. For instance, $300 per hour is a normal mediation service fee. This is for couples who are not using a restraining order but have come to an impasse about taking care of practical matters during separation.

Who can help you right now to be safe from abuse?

Law Enforcement

The police can issue a temporary restraining order if you make a report of domestic violence. The condition is that you must stay on the premises or be within a certain number of feet where it happened and wait for law enforcement to arrive so they can do an interview and make their evaluation. This means you are staying within reach of the batterer.

Domestic Violence/Civil Harassment Restraining Orders with Personal Conduct Requests so you are not harassed at your place of work or temporary safe house during your separation

What if you need to request that another person stay away from your place or employment or temporary housing? You can specific personal conduct requests through court order.

Forms

Domestic Violence Restraining Order for California
Civil Harassment Restraining Order for California FAQ