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5 Ways to Be a Better Woman Friend this Fall: October Domestic Violence Awareness Month

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Lindsey Palmer wrote the Redbook article, “10 Ways to Keep a Woman Safe from Domestic Violence“. SmartyGirl Readers look out for each other so I’ve re-posted two of my favorite, easy to do,  tips from Palmer. Maybe this month you will have the opportunity to help a fellow SmartyGirl.

SmartyGirls know to be wise and not offer to “fix” another person’s problems. Disclaimer: SmartyGirlHome does not claim to be a legal resource or a counseling site. Please seek legal advice and medical attention from professionals. 

Before offering help, define your boundaries. Are you able to provide a home cooked meal, transportation or temporary housing? Before committing, discuss with your spouse what he will be comfortable doing for your friend.

Photo Credit: Amazon.com Lundberg’s I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better

Photo Credit: Renee Marchol Kimochis Feelings Doll  at Jeffery’s Toys of San Francisco

Also if you have children, you may decide not to be involved directly in helping your girlfriend.

Why? Because you cannot be certain your children can take the upheaval of such an outside conflict or their ability to be discreet (i.e. not disclosing that someone is staying at your home because she is fleeing abuse).

Consider your children’s feelings and fears.

1. Shop for a cause through Macy’s. Disclaimer: I interviewed a girlfriend who works for Macy’s. Last month when my husband and I went to Stonestown Galleria in Daly City/San Francisco Macy’s to pick up some men’s sweaters, I noticed this promotion.

2. Recycle communication devices. http://www.recyclefordomesticviolence.com/ is a non profit that collects and distributes tablets, cell phones and other electronic devices that can help a woman fleeing from domestic violence to stay in contact with her trusted SmartyGirl friends and look up local housing and counseling services.

Photo Credit: SmartyGirlLeadership (SGL) Black Nokia Lumia 822 Windows Phone Donate Your Old Smartphone to a Domestic Violence Survivor Women’s Shelter
3. Thought-starters. A SmartyGirl reader may find herself in a dangerous situation. I’ve listed some local and national resources.
Who will listen?  Who can direct you  to resources available to you?
24 hour Crisis Hotlines
Where might you find emergency, temporary housing?

  • Shelters. Keep in mind that many shelters have a 3-step process: 45 minute phone screen, evaluation by an intake counselor and in person meeting before you can be eligible for a bed for the night. 

This means that shelters may not be the first place to go for emergency housing since you may be put on a waiting list for several weeks. For example, if you are single and without children you will be considered lower priority than a woman fleeing with a child. 

 Most shelters have a curfew of 8 P.M. and a mandatory counseling class for employment or abuse survivors.

     Ask about responsibilities, conditions and expectations before selecting a shelter for your housing. Find out if you must provide your own toiletries including bath towels and toilet paper. Inquire if you are allowed to store you belongings at the shelter and provide a combination lock while you are at work. If not, you may have to rent a storage space because storing items in your car may invite a break in.

    Photo Credit: Renee Marchol Brown Rice and Beans

     How will you pay your food bills? What are longer term, housing options?

    • Food stamps and Section 8 (low income housing). If you were living with your boyfriend you may be evaluated by intake counselors more quickly in constrast to if you are still legally married but separated. 

    For instance if you are supporting yourself and living apart, you may still have a joint checking account that will be calculated and make you ineligible for government aide. However, you may consider private charities and church organizations that assist women.

    Find out more about the housing options through these private charities.

    Photo Credit: Renee Marchol Asparagus Puff Pastry
    • What are some of the host’s “house rules”? 
    • Who else will be sharing the common living areas? 
    • Are their toilets, showers, and kitchens for common use? 
    • Will you be expected to prepare meals once per week, report to your host about status of separation, do chores or provide a stipend for utilities?

     Stay only where your boundaries are respected. For instance if a religious course is mandatory and this makes you uncomfortable, you may choose not to accept the charity’s help.

      How will you receive bills in the mail, paychecks, property from your former home?

      • Mediation Services
      This is a professional paid by the couple as an objective third party to facilitate discussion about dividing expenses during the separation (i.e. childcare costs, current bills, name removal from lease, paying for a PO Box, storage costs, creating an individual bank account).

      Some mediation services offer a sliding scale the accomodates for partners who do not make the same wage. For instance, $300 per hour is a normal mediation service fee. This is for couples who are not using a restraining order but have come to an impasse about taking care of practical matters during separation.

      Who can help you right now to be safe from abuse?

      • Law Enforcement
      The police can issue a temporary restraining order if you make a report of domestic violence. The condition is that you must stay on the premises or be within a certain number of feet where it happened and wait for law enforcement to arrive so they can do an interview and make their evaluation. This means you are staying within reach of the batterer. 
      Domestic Violence/Civil Harassment Restraining Orders with Personal Conduct Requests so you are not harassed at your place of work or temporary safe house during your separation

      What if you need to request that another person stay away from your place or employment or temporary housing? You can specific personal conduct requests through court order.

      Forms
      Domestic Violence Restraining Order for California
      Civil Harassment Restraining Order for California FAQ

      Photo Credit: Renee Marchol Alpine Bakery of Concord, CA Wedding Cakes


      Where can you receive individual counseling or marriage counseling? 

      Secular sources:

      Kaiser Permanente Anger Management and Couple Communication Skills Health Courses taught by Marriage/Family Therapists

      Religious groups:

      Church marriage counseling services

      Photo Credit: Amazon.com Mack’s Preparing for Marriage God’s Way

      Book recommendations:
      Preparing for Marriage God’s Way: A Step-by-Step Guide for Marriage Readiness and After the Wedding Conflicts by Wayne Mack

      Photo Credit: Amazon.com Phillips’s How Can I Be Sure? Questions to Ask

      How Can I Be Sure? Questions to Ask Before You Get Married by Bob Philips


      What if you have questions about separation or divorce?

      • Family Law Attorneys recommended on Yelp.com